26 August 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009 - 7 comments

Failing Miserably

Not sure where I'm at right now, but I am still around. All is well but life has taken on a new hue for me. A brighter sun, a greener tree, a more vibrant smell. There has been so many emotional events that have been happening in the last month that have thrown me into a tailspin of sorts. A spin that has me looking at everything around me and grasping at the moment. Although my grasp is not strong enough to hold time still, I have found myself enjoying that what is put in front of me and making more with what I have. I have also found myself at a loss for words or maybe just at a loss for how to put it down on paper and that is new for me.

The recent events in my grandmas life have opened up a box inside of me that I had no idea existed or I had become afraid of it's power and I've kept it at bay. I am not good with loss. Is any of us though? But the thought of loosing my grandma is something of a fairy tale gone bad, in my fairy tale the heroine never dies, she lives forever. When faced with the idea that maybe my fairy tale needed a re-write, I have had to come to terms with loss and it's been hard. While my grandma, THANK GOD!, has less of a chance of passing away from cancer, she will still leave me someday and I've got to be okay with that.
She and I have been talking a lot. She knows my feelings very well and is guiding me in my path to gain a friend in the inevitable. We are a lot alike that woman and I. We both have imaginations that can put Hitchcock out of business and have fears like no ones business. But we work with each other in getting through and that is what she is doing for me now while I ask all the questions of her past. We just sit and talk. And she guides me in my own gains and losses.

In dealing with the emotions of my biggest fear, I have been encountering something that all mothers know will come but tuck way down deep inside. High school from the mother's aspect. HOLYCOW! This is the most strangest thing I have EVER gone through in my life. And I thought junior high was interesting. No that was a walk in the park compared to this. Junior high was like pre-school compared to high school. While my cool as a cucumber son is acting like it's no big thing, I am secretly hiding sweaty palms, a racing heart, worried glances at my husband and the constant tummy ache. When driving Big J to school I feel a cold sweat come all over me, and when picking him up I almost stop breathing. It's wild!

The last few weeks I have literally watched my son grow up overnight, he has turned into this young man with an energy that is palpitating. He loves high school. He loves the freedom. You can see the excitement in his eyes and hear the joy in the daily rundown of his day at the dinner table. I hear from friends on campus that he is the guy surrounded by friends and is laughing, smiling and holding his head high. Last Friday was the first dance of the year and of course he wanted to go and of course he had a great time. He loves high school. Yea!

Now exactly what is going on inside of me? It is my own growth, actually shrinking growth, truth be told. As moms we become instant protectors of our children the instant they enter our lives. We are bigger than them of course and we can pick them up, comfort them, and do just about anything to make them safe and happy. I never saw myself being anything but bigger than my son, always. Kinda like my fairy tale of my heroine never dying, my child is always small and cherub like and I am always the giant in the story. But looking at the reflection in the window of the two of us washing dishes the other night, I saw this larger than life person standing next to a little tiny me. I looked over and had to look up to meet my sons gaze. I felt so small, inside and out. What happened? I can't physically pick him up anymore and comfort him nor can I look down at him with that evil mom eye. I have been feeling like I've lost something.

With the fear of loosing my grandma, I now see that I am loosing my son to his own growth. It's unavoidable I know, but when it happens, well it's a whole new dimension in this thing we call motherhood. Being a mom we want our children to grow up and begin to spread their wings and fly on their own. We want to watch them become successful adults in society. But when it begins to happen it takes you by complete surprise and the youth you thought you had has now aged drastically. You are now older suddenly and now life is different. For me this is strange because I feel like I'm still 25! I'm not old enough for this yet. But here it is. Yes, here it is and I am still the mom, just a little smaller and a little bit older now. And learning to let go.

Loss is real no matter where it is in your life. It's there in death, growth and beginnings. I'm going through a lot of different losses right now and like I said before, I don't like loss but I'm learning to love it. Day by day.


I'm right there with you. Loss is hard but you're not losing your son. Well, you're losing the little boy but you're not losing him. You're gaining the joy of seeing the child you raised grow into an amazing whole person of his own. I look at my 21 year old son and marvel at how kind and loving he is. How smart and funny and warm. I look at his face and see a five o'clock shadow where I used to see peach fuzz and dewey softness. I miss my baby boy but I absolutely burst with pride when I look at my grown up son!

In a few short months, you'll lose something else -- your sleep and your freedom (and perhaps a bit of your sanity). But you'll gain a baby girl! Some losses are blessings, huh!


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I'm 10+ years away from walking in your shoes, but I'm pretty sure when I do I will cast my mind back and remember what you have written here.

Thank you for sharing. What a fantastic and insightful post.

Hey! I feel like I'm only 25 too...and, I will always, always protect you...xoxoxo,m

Your not losing your Son, your relationship might be taking on a new phase.
As a woman in her 40's trust me , you never lose your Mom, our relationship has taken on new aspects, marriage, having children, suffering loss, through it all I had my Mom by my side. Your son will be needing you in different way, but he will always need you.
I understand how you feel about your Grandma. I too had a beautiful realationship with mine, cherish every second.

Great post.. and I am going through exactly all of this... Loss of my grandmother, loss of my son .. it is truly hard..
I am always here for you..
LOVE ya girly..

Wow, we are in the same place. My Grandmother passed this year and Zachary is heading into his senior year of high school.
It's going to be ok though. It's all a part of the flow of life. Sometimes the change is utterly painful, sometimes bitter sweet and sometimes beautiful.

I can only help but hope that things don't lessen or disappear, but rather simply change. I liken it a river being rerouted rather than drying up. The currents just shift things.