Of course the day was foggy and drizzly which did not help my mood at all. As I drove down the street I said a little prayer asking the Lord for strength and a positive attitude and thanked Him for what He'd given us and for His plan.
The gate into our home was really our front door and I always felt safe when it was locked and secure. There is nothing I loved more about this house than our front yard which was once an oasis of color and beauty...we took all of our flowers with us and now the place looks so sad...so alone except for the lonely playhouse with it's matching red door that was built so lovingly for a little girl by her daddy. I looked at it and turned away.
So many garden parties and memories flooded me and I saw the red ribbons hanging in our treasured maple tree and cried. All day I'd thought about taking them with me...cutting them out of the tree that my mom had so lovingly tied there three years ago to represent our three beautiful children and their red thread ties to us...I left them in the end because I didn't have the heart to cut them away.
Once inside I pushed back the tears and just got to work. I wanted this to be over before it even began and just wanted to go home to my little girl! I cranked up some music on my phone and let the worship songs comfort me. I came across bits of trash here and there...an old tab from a bottle liner...a fortune from the tea I love to drink which read, "happiness comes from contentment"...ironic I thought and laughed out loud for a few minutes.
Everything was so empty. The walls barren of my families faces. The floors cold with nothing touching them. The cupboards lost with nothing to fill them. It was so odd. Music was echoing through the rooms. There was no life...it had left a few weeks ago and was filling another home which is what I kept reminding myself. That gave me comfort and I longed to be there.
My mind was overflowing at this point with a flood of memories...ten years of dreams lost and bigger dreams come true. I traced over the years of my life and all that has changed within these four walls. So much profound change. I wondered if I'll ever forget. I kept waiting for someone to burst through the door and say, "hi mom!" or hear the squeal of the dogs as they hear their dad pulling in the driveway or the thumping under my feet of Jenny running through the house calling, "momma, momma where are you?" I lay on the floor and closed my eyes to pretend the rain was falling on the skylight...one of my favorite sounds there.
Walking past the measuring wall, I lost it. I realized right then and there I couldn't take it with me. I ran my fingers over the pencil marks and went to the first mark at the bottom...Jenny 10/28/11 35", the smallest measurement there and I worked my way up and found Jacob's first mark on 10/05 and looked at all the marks including the huge growth spurt that happened between 9/07 and 4/08 then on from there. I realize now that we'd painted over the marks from when we first moved here in 2002...when will I learn my lesson and do this on something I can always take with me!
The upstairs loomed above me and I was DONE and was seriously contemplating not even going upstairs. Just let it go. Who cares what it looks like! It's a bank owned property and it's all going to get torn out by someone else soon enough!! Just go on home and move forward I kept telling myself. But I didn't and I slowly climbed the stairs...remembering the day we brought Jenny home. Remembering hearing Jacob and his friends up stairs making so much noise I thought the roof would fall in. Remembering Christmas mornings and late night low blood sugars and having to run down the stairs in the dark.
I sat on the floor for a while and just cried my eyes out. I felt like a failure. I felt I didn't help my husband enough. He's worked so hard for us. And now here we are...starting over. This wasn't fair to him or our kids. But it is what it is. It has happened. I had to turn the keys over as soon as I was done here today and I was a mess. My phone beeped and I'd gotten my daily message from Rev Run's Words of Wisdom...
"Good morning. Be grateful, wise & CONSTANTLY put things in perspective!
Never want new things so bad that you overlook what you already HAVE!
God is Love
Ohhhh the truth in those words punched me in the gut...today of all days! I HAVE SO MUCH!!!! As I picked myself up off the ground I wiped away my hot tears and reminded myself to move forward with the knowledge of all we have RIGHT NOW! Health. Happiness. Home. Family. Love. I finished cleaning this shell we once called our home and pushed away my sorrow. I reminded myself of who is in charge here...God. I tuned back into the music coming out of my phone...
We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way...He loves us!
~David Crowder Band - How He Loves Us
Of course that had to be the song playing! I don't have time to maintain these regrets!!! It's time to move on once and for all. It's time to reset and accept the things we can not change. We're going to be okay...no matter what. Quickly I found myself grabbing my supplies, turning off lights, checking closets again and making my way down those stairs one last time...and I walked right out with tears streaming down my face and closed that beautiful red door behind me. I will take the memories with me and I will never forget them and I am looking forward to the memories that haven't yet happened that God has planned for us. That makes me smile.