03 July 2012

Tuesday, July 03, 2012 - 13 comments

The door closed

There is nothing that felt good about today.  While I'm not normally one to wallow in my sorrow, today I did.  The end is here for our home and I spent the morning cleaning it's floors and walls and cried with every spray of the cleanser.  I didn't expect to be so overcome with emotions and was completely taken aback.  But I just let it flow...

Of course the day was foggy and drizzly which did not help my mood at all.  As I drove down the street I said a little prayer asking the Lord for strength and a positive attitude and thanked Him for what He'd given us and for His plan.

The gate into our home was really our front door and I always felt safe when it was locked and secure.  There is nothing I loved more about this house than our front yard which was once an oasis of color and beauty...we took all of our flowers with us and now the place looks so sad...so alone except for the lonely playhouse with it's matching red door that was built so lovingly for a little girl by her daddy.  I looked at it and turned away.

So many garden parties and memories flooded me and I saw the red ribbons hanging in our treasured maple tree and cried.  All day I'd thought about taking them with me...cutting them out of the tree that my mom had so lovingly tied there three years ago to represent our three beautiful children and their red  thread ties to us...I left them in the end because I didn't have the heart to cut them away.

Once inside I pushed back the tears and just got to work.  I wanted this to be over before it even began and just wanted to go home to my little girl!  I cranked up some music on my phone and let the worship songs comfort me.  I came across bits of trash here and there...an old tab from a bottle liner...a fortune from the tea I love to drink which read, "happiness comes from contentment"...ironic I thought and laughed out loud for a few minutes.  

Everything was so empty.  The walls barren of my families faces.  The floors cold with nothing touching them.  The cupboards lost with nothing to fill them.  It was so odd.  Music was echoing through the rooms.  There was no life...it had left a few weeks ago and was filling another home which is what I kept reminding myself.  That gave me comfort and I longed to be there.  

My mind was overflowing at this point with a flood of memories...ten years of dreams lost and bigger dreams come true.  I traced over the years of my life and all that has changed within these four walls.  So much profound change.  I wondered if I'll ever forget.  I kept waiting for someone to burst through the door and say, "hi mom!" or hear the squeal of the dogs as they hear their dad pulling in the driveway or the thumping under my feet of Jenny running through the house calling, "momma, momma where are you?"  I lay on the floor and closed my eyes to pretend the rain was falling on the skylight...one of my favorite sounds there.  

Walking past the measuring wall, I lost it.  I realized right then and there I couldn't take it with me.  I ran my fingers over the pencil marks and went to the first mark at the bottom...Jenny 10/28/11 35", the smallest measurement there and I worked my way up and found Jacob's first mark on 10/05 and looked at all the marks including the huge growth spurt that happened between 9/07 and 4/08 then on from there.  I realize now that we'd painted over the marks from when we first moved here in 2002...when will I learn my lesson and do this on something I can always take with me!  

The upstairs loomed above me and I was DONE and was seriously contemplating not even going upstairs.  Just let it go.  Who cares what it looks like!  It's a bank owned property and it's all going to get torn out by someone else soon enough!!  Just go on home and move forward I kept telling myself.   But I didn't and I slowly climbed the stairs...remembering the day we brought Jenny home.  Remembering hearing Jacob and his friends up stairs making so much noise I thought the roof would fall in.  Remembering Christmas mornings and late night low blood sugars and having to run down the stairs in the dark.

I sat on the floor for a while and just cried my eyes out.  I felt like a failure.  I felt I didn't help my husband enough.  He's worked so hard for us.  And now here we are...starting over.  This wasn't fair to him or our kids.  But it is what it is.  It has happened.  I had to turn the keys over as soon as I was done here today and I was a mess.  My phone beeped and I'd gotten my daily message from Rev Run's Words of Wisdom...

"Good morning. Be grateful, wise & CONSTANTLY put things in perspective! 
Never want new things so bad that you overlook what you already HAVE!
God is Love
Rev Run"

Ohhhh the truth in those words punched me in the gut...today of all days!  I HAVE SO MUCH!!!!  As I picked myself up off the ground I wiped away my hot tears and reminded myself to move forward with the knowledge of all we have RIGHT NOW!  Health.  Happiness.  Home.  Family.  Love.   I finished cleaning this shell we once called our home and pushed away my sorrow.  I reminded myself of who is in charge here...God.  I tuned back into the music coming out of my phone...

We are His portion and He is our prize 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking 
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets 
When I think about the way...He loves us!

~David Crowder Band - How He Loves Us

Of course that had to be the song playing!  I don't have time to maintain these regrets!!!  It's time to move on once and for all.  It's time to reset and accept the things we can not change.  We're going to be okay...no matter what.  Quickly I found myself grabbing my supplies, turning off lights, checking closets again and making my way down those stairs one last time...and I walked right out with tears streaming down my face and closed that beautiful red door behind me.  I will take the memories with me and I will never forget them and I am looking forward to the memories that haven't yet happened that God has planned for us.  That makes me smile.  


Kayce, this is a beautiful post. Thanks so much for sharing such honest and heartfelt words. I can only imagine the hurt you were and are feeling. Sending you big hugs <3

....a post from the soul...I'm glad I got to give you a big hug yesterday....xoxoxo, m

i love your writing. I don't love you upset. You will see the other side of this my friend.

My heart goes out to you with lots of friendship and love.


You are an AMAZING lady and have an AMAZING family.. i am BLESSED to have shared some AMAZING memories in that house with you and I will forever hold them near and dear to my heart.... but on another note... I have a feeling that we are going to be making some new and amazing memories...
love you my friend..

Such hard words to live. Praying for you guys. You will have good memories and make good memories. Hold tight to your family and friends.

Hugs and prayers my friend! Wish we could be there next week to do them in person! Lots of love your way!

I'm so sorry it has been such a hard goodbye to your home. I hope in some small way giving yourself permission to grieve and cry will help you move forward in your new home.

I am so so sorry. I can't imagine the sorrow you must be dealing with right now. I struggle with being narrow minded and forgetting that God is in control and has a big BEAUTIFUL picture planned out for our lives. Even when we hurt, He has us in the palm of His hands and will NEVER leave or forsake us. His plans for us our good and PERFECT, even when we don't understand the road He has us traveling on. Thank you for being so inspirational. If I'm even half the Christian woman that you are, I'd consider myself doing alright. Hugs and Kisses! Can't wait to see all He has in store for you and your precious family!! xoxo!!! Brooke

Beautiful post Kayce. Such a gut-wrenching experience. It's so good that you write all this out. It helps others not feel alone in their struggles and I am convinced you will someday read back on these days and see they were the closing of one beautiful door only to enter another beautiful land of memories. I was listening to Dave Ramsey's show the other day and he mentioned when he was going through bankrupcy and feeling really low in life, he opened his Bible and it fell to Romans 5:2-5. I know you know this, but sometimes it is good to be reminded. God truly wants what is best for us and yet sometimes it is so hard to not lean on our own understanding. I have been going through a time that God is showing me this daily. It's sometimes confusing, yet each day, it gets better and I see more and more of His love for me. He loves you and your family so much and I am excited to see your future posts as you share your beautiful beginnings! Love you Kayce! Give Jenny a big hug for me! :)

Even though I don't have the memories of your home that you have, I was bawling when I read this the other day. I don't know (yet) what it's like to leave a home with so many memories and I hope I don't have to find out for a LONG time but you've given me a peek into what it must be like. I'm sorry you are having a hard time but am looking forward to more happy posts as I'm sure you are looking forward to posting about happy things again.

I think about you lots.


I am so sorry, I will keep your words in mind. My sister is just beginning this painful process. She doen't have anyone but me. I am going to try to buy her house so she can stay, but it may not happen. I have asked her to move in with me.
Praying for you and her.

I'm so sorry, Kayce. I'm glad you know that, although that home held many wonderful memories, home is where your heart is. And your heart is for your Lord and your family. I'm glad you took the time to do what you needed to do to experience closure on that chapter of your life. I pray that you will have ongoing peace about this new season of life.

Oh, what a hard day! I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will help others going through the same thing!