19 February 2011

Saturday, February 19, 2011 - 17 comments

In death you must find beauty

As you know my grandma Helen is a treasure in my life.  She's been a treasure to me since I was born.  We have a special relationship and one that has been more than a blessing to me, I feel so lucky to have her in my life.  Many of you may know that she is on her final journey home and know how hard this is for not only me but for the rest of my family.  For me this is a learning experience like non other.  I have lost all my grandparents except her and each one of their deaths I was old enough to feel and remember.  They too were stars in my life.  I've also lost two uncles, so death is not new to me.  But the mere thought of loosing my grandma takes my breath away like no death before her.

Growing up I thought for sure this woman would live forever!  She's never faltered in her strength so how could she possibly die and leave me.  As I've gone from child to adolescence and now almost to middle age, I seriously put her death out of my mind.  A few years ago I started to let the thought settle in my heart that, yes she will leave me someday.  I fought it but I've let it begin to fester and now I accept the thought.  Not completely but I do accept that my grandma must move on to a better place.  She is now on her way there and it's okay.  I do though fall apart when I think of not seeing her at her next birthday or hearing her laughter filled voice whenever I want.

Accepting death is a major lesson in our lives.  As I said earlier that I've lost others very close to me before but I was not a part of their final journey.  With all of them they were just gone one day.  There were no goodbyes or last conversations for me.  Just here one day and gone the next.  It's not that way for my grandma and I.  She is dying before my eyes.  For my grandma and I we get to walk this path together.  For  me it's part selfish need and part learning that death is okay.  I've always had a hard part with loss and her journey is helping me understand death better.

Death is beautiful in a way.  Although the cancer has taken my grandmother from me before she'll even take her last breath, she is still so beautiful and so alive.  Even in her hospital bed her beauty is still there.  It overflows from her.  Yesterday I went to her bedside to tell her I'll be okay when she's gone while she could still hear me and respond to me.  She squeezed my hand and smiled.  I told her thank you for everything she's given to me, my mom, my uncles, my cousins, my children.  Without her, I wouldn't be here telling her these things.  I told her how much I loved her and kissed her cheek and my daughter tried to leave my arms to do the same.  My grandma responded back in a hoarse whisper...I love you so much...I love you both so much....I love you too sweetheart.

The next few days or even hours she will be more and more sedated and will only know I'm there by my voice and the voices of others.  I treasure what yesterday was.  Please keep our family in your prayers and thoughts.  The power of prayer is always so amazing to me and I treasure knowing that my grandma and her family are being lifted up as we help her on leaving this world for a much more beautiful one.  She is on her way home to be with her husband, her two sons, her brothers and her parents and grandparents.  And someday I will get to see her again.  And we will laugh together again. For now I will make her final days beautiful and cherish the moments we have left here together.

17 comments:

oh dear Kayce. I am so very sorry. I do remember how much this lady means to you. Please know I will keep you close in thought and prayer.

Much love,

lea
xo

As you probably remember, I lost both of my grandmothers in the six months leading up to Michael's passing. They had been a big part of my life, too. I'm sorry that you are going to experience this loss. May your sweet memories of her carry you until you meet again. ((hugs))

I am so sorry that this has been so difficult for you. I am also so thankful that are you finding peace and joy in these last moments that you are sharing with your Grandma. She sounds like an amazing lady! And she is so lucky to have someone like you in her life!

Praying for you sweet friend and for peace for your Grandma.

I'm crying right now. I'm so sorry Kayce. You have been in my prayers.

Peace to you all during this difficult time... I know it is hard to find, but I pray you and your family will be surrounded by love and beautiful memories in the days to come.

peace be with you and your family Terri

Oh Kayce, I'm so sorry you are at this place. Prayers for you all at this time.

Such a sad and difficult time for you. Grandmothers are so special, I always daydream about the times I was at my Grandmother's place and how we greeted each time. Remember the good memories!

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Praying for you and your family.

xoxo

I hope and pray that only the wonderful memories of times you spent together help you through this...she sounds like a beautiful lady in all ways.

Prayers for you and your family.

big hugs,
Gail

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your grandmother.

You are in my thoughts and prayers...draw strength from those around you, and know that you have friends near, and far, that are thinking of you.

I am so sorry. Grandmothers are so very special. Thinking of you and your family. Melanie

You know where I am if you just want to chat... how I miss my Nana daily... the pain does get better... you will soon have the most fondest memories of her... at least you know in your heart that you were able to say goodbye and tell her the words you wanted to tell her... hugs to you Kayce and everyone else...

Keeping you, your grandma, and the rest of your family in my prayers. {{hugs}}

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