Growing up I thought for sure this woman would live forever! She's never faltered in her strength so how could she possibly die and leave me. As I've gone from child to adolescence and now almost to middle age, I seriously put her death out of my mind. A few years ago I started to let the thought settle in my heart that, yes she will leave me someday. I fought it but I've let it begin to fester and now I accept the thought. Not completely but I do accept that my grandma must move on to a better place. She is now on her way there and it's okay. I do though fall apart when I think of not seeing her at her next birthday or hearing her laughter filled voice whenever I want.
Accepting death is a major lesson in our lives. As I said earlier that I've lost others very close to me before but I was not a part of their final journey. With all of them they were just gone one day. There were no goodbyes or last conversations for me. Just here one day and gone the next. It's not that way for my grandma and I. She is dying before my eyes. For my grandma and I we get to walk this path together. For me it's part selfish need and part learning that death is okay. I've always had a hard part with loss and her journey is helping me understand death better.
Death is beautiful in a way. Although the cancer has taken my grandmother from me before she'll even take her last breath, she is still so beautiful and so alive. Even in her hospital bed her beauty is still there. It overflows from her. Yesterday I went to her bedside to tell her I'll be okay when she's gone while she could still hear me and respond to me. She squeezed my hand and smiled. I told her thank you for everything she's given to me, my mom, my uncles, my cousins, my children. Without her, I wouldn't be here telling her these things. I told her how much I loved her and kissed her cheek and my daughter tried to leave my arms to do the same. My grandma responded back in a hoarse whisper...I love you so much...I love you both so much....I love you too sweetheart.
The next few days or even hours she will be more and more sedated and will only know I'm there by my voice and the voices of others. I treasure what yesterday was. Please keep our family in your prayers and thoughts. The power of prayer is always so amazing to me and I treasure knowing that my grandma and her family are being lifted up as we help her on leaving this world for a much more beautiful one. She is on her way home to be with her husband, her two sons, her brothers and her parents and grandparents. And someday I will get to see her again. And we will laugh together again. For now I will make her final days beautiful and cherish the moments we have left here together.