26 February 2011

Saturday, February 26, 2011 - 13 comments

Finding comfort in my thoughts of the past

These last few weeks may have only been 12 or so days but it feels as though 100 have past me.  My calendar and I are so attached right now only because I do not know what day it is or the month for that matter if I'm honest.  When I think back to three weeks ago I am sweetly reminded of sharing lunch with my grandma, my mom and my uncle, all the while my sweet girl was sleeping peacefully in my grandmas room.  It seems like a lifetime ago now.

What I am concentrating on now are memories of things from the past because right now the present is just too hard.  I never thought I'd have to watch my grandma be reduced to tears of pain in a hospital bed and be witness to her end.  I concentrate on the things from years past like running through my grandparents house with all my cousins and making up games in the back room as we played the days away.  I think of an Easter when it was just Mike, Big J, my grandma and myself.  It was fun, low key and out of the ordinary.  I think back to my wedding day.  Wearing her wedding dress which was worn by my mom before me.  Dancing with her that night.  I also remember sitting on the porch at her house talking about our days, our dreams, our joys. We shared stories with each other, some I don't remember now and some I'll never forget.  I lived with my grandma the year after I graduated from high school and while I stressed her out to the point that I had to go my own way, it was still a special time for both of us.  Those are sweet memories and just a few of what I'm choosing to get me through these last days of hers.

In the last week my grandma has been moved to a 24 hour nursing facility under hospice care.  Slowly we have begun the process of cleaning out her apartment sorting through her life.  I loved what my mom said to me that night after I'd been there pouring over my hero's treasures..."you've been able to run your fingers over everything that was hers and feel all that is hers." ( I LOVE you mom!)  It was a tough day even though at the time I didn't think anything of it.  I came home with a few boxes of memories and started to pull things out to share with my husband and son and then I realized I'd never again see her in that red checkered shirt.  Thinking of her never doing things again, like birthday parties, or a game of cards or just a phone call saying hi or to tell me some new found discovery and what I thought about it just about kills me.  So all those trinkets I brought home with me that day are now tucked away until I can pull them out from underneath the covers.  I'm happier with the living memories in my head right now instead of the ones that I can feel in my hands.

As my grandma lays in her bed tonight in a place I never thought I'd see her at, I pray that tonight is the last night she has to live in cancers pain.  I pray that the cancer that is ravaging her body is silenced for the last time.  I pray that the comfort of her own thoughts of her beautiful past take her home with the Lord and ends this horrible dream.  This part of the journey is the hardest and while I don't want to loose my grandma, I do want her to be free of this.  It's time.  It's time for her to dance forever in Heaven.


Oh sweetie, sending you and your family big hugs and wishes for peace.

I'm so, so sorry for all your are going thru just now. Hugs to you all.

Kayce -

I so sorry for the pain. It is a horrible experience to watch someone loose their battle with cancer. I had a very special relationship with my Grandmother and her last days were some of the worst for me. I wish you all peace in your grief. You are in my prayers.


Sending big hugs from Nebraska.

That's the way I felt about my grandmothers - one dying of cancer, and the other of Alzheimer's at the time. I felt a sense of urgency for them to be released from the prisons their bodies had become to them. Freedom came in time, and all I could do was rejoice for them. They now live in glory.

One of my grandmothers was always singing. She loved old songs and hymns. This week I think she's been sending me a little message from Heaven, because I keep hearing Something About That Name in my head. She would frequently sing that song, and it's not one that I've heard too often otherwise. It was definitely a Grandma Bunny thing.

Your grandma will always be with you in your heart, and someday you'll be with her once again.

Much love to you in these last difficult hours.

You have such a way with words.

I am so sorry for your pain, and hope that soon your Grandma will be pain free and living her life in Heaven.

You know how I feel...Remember the Great things that you shared.. she will always be there .. I talk to my Grandparents all the time and my Daddy...
Love you my friend.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You sure have described a beautiful woman. Sending big hugs and caring thoughts your way.


I read over this post yesterday and have had your words echoing in my mind ever since. When I read your thoughts here, I am saddened for you in your time of loss and thankful at the same time for the promise of eternity in Heaven.

I was blessed with special time with my gramma recently and as we walked through the musical instrument museum, she stopped by the harps and said, I cannot wait to find David in heaven and play a harp with him. Mardi, she said, "when you get to heaven, you will find me by the stream playing music with David"...the words took me off guard at first, but then her words and excitement in her face gave me a renewed perspective of death and excitement for our eternity in heaven.

May God be especially close to you during this time Kayce. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I wish I was there to give you a big hug. Terri

My dear Kaycee I am so sorry that you have to experience this now. Everything you have shared with us about your Grandmother just describes such a wonderful and dear lady.

I too pray that she will go quickly and not be in pain. Heaven's gates will open and she will be dancing and laughing again.

You will always have her with you in your heart and you can always talk to her where ever you are. I would plant her favorite flowers in my garden and go and have that be our place. I planted peony's because I love them and they were Nanny's favorite flower.

I love you and am here for you!