21 July 2010

Wednesday, July 21, 2010 - , 24 comments

Black and White Wednesday - Love Pure.


I find myself these days in a complete fog.  Maybe it has something to do with lack of sleep but even in the night I have to remind myself that this is real.  When I pass a mirror now my glance stops and I am staring at the image before me...I am holding my daughter in my arms and we smile at each other and share a giggle or a kiss or just a moment.  This change in our home is real.  This sudden movement in our life is real.  We really did travel to China and bring home our daughter.  It really did happen.  I still pinch myself to reassure me that this is not a dream anymore.

Walking through my days I live in the glow of being a new mom again.  I proudly share my daughter and our story with anyone who will ask.  I feel as though this has always been and there has never been a lapse in our togetherness.  People have asked how long we have been a family and I find the words that form in my mouth are, "forever" when in fact it's only been 172 days.  Just days.  But it seems like life was never without her here.   It's the most amazing experience and one I'm always amazed at when I think about where we started.

Many years ago when we first began our adoption process I asked myself this question....
"Can I love another child as I love the one I gave birth to?"  I pondered that question for the 46 months we waited for our daughter.  I prayed about it.  I questioned myself and my selfish love of my son.  Yes I am selfish.  I asked myself that question as I was standing in a hotel lobby on the other side of the world watching my daughter being brought to me.  

When I think about those hours leading up to that moment when we were handed our daughter, my thoughts were far from calm.  Worry filled me as it did when my son was brought into this world.  I was scared then of loosing my freedom and now I was worried I wouldn't be able to have enough love in my soul to love another child.  I remember questioning my reasons, questioning my heart, questioning my selfishness for wanting another child yet not knowing if I could share my love.  Honestly I was a mess...feel free to ask my husband and my son who thankfully just let me go through my uneasiness and yet squeezed my hand to say it's okay.  It was already apparent to others yet not me that I was already deep in love.  I just needed to feel it.  Touch it.  Smell it.


To say that those fears and feelings vanished is an understatement.  The minute my daughter was placed in my arms my soul collapsed and love poured in like a dam breaking.  The world stopped for a brief moment and all I sensed was calm.  Then the emotions that absorbed my body were an adrenaline rush like non other.  That same feeling as when I saw my son's face for the first time.  That same feeling of utter awe.  That same sense of God all around me, like His hands were resting on my shoulders telling me it's okay.  It was the same experience in each of my children's arrivals into my world.  It was breath taking each time.  And simply beautiful.

So when I look into my children's eyes today, I see the same thing.  God's love.  There is no difference in their skin color or the shape of their eyes.  I can not differentiate between the colors of their hair or the color of their eyes.  Yet I am aware they are unalike in every way.  I look at them and know they are my children.  They are the love in my soul.  They are my children.  And I have to remind myself every morning and every night that, yes this is real and my heart swells more.

Enjoy more black and white photos at Lisa's blog....

24 comments:

I think I am a little emotional tonight..
I am sitting here crying wising and dreaming of the day that this will be me.
I sooo cannot wait..
BEAUTIFUL Post..LOVE U

fabulous post! Very touching Kayce. Funny I constantly worry about giving up my freedom. Thank you, for doing this post.

Lea
xo

....simply beautifully said...xoxoxo

What a beautiful photo and post.

beautifully said. What a wonderful time this is for you and your family.

Abbsolutely beautiful post.

I had to go back through your blogs posts just to see more of her precious little face. she is beautiful, I can see why you wrote this post.

Jill

Beautiful portrait, and such a touching story.

While I was reading your post, I felt like I could have been the person who wrote it. I had very similar feelings before/during and after my children came into my life. It's simply amazing how we are able to love so unconditionally. Thank you so much for sharing.

This, is beautiful. Our children are beautiful. Life is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

So beautifully said Kayce..I think back to the days that I asked myself so many questions like, "can I be a mommy to a child that looks completly different from me?" The all seem so trivial and simply silly now. Adoption is truly a miracle. Life is good and I am so glad you are able to hold your daughter and enjoy all the moments you are sharing with her.

Beautifully written from the heart with an equally beautiful portrait. These could have been my own words...maybe you speak for all of us in a way. There are still some days I can't believe that the dream I had for so many years has happened. We are very, very blessed!

What a sweet picture and such sweet, heartfelt words! Your daughter is just precious and it looks like she has a great big brother!

Thanks for your comment on my blog. :-)

a touching image and love the post too.

I'm speechless!! Such a beautiful post! It's amazing how vast our capacity to love can be! I'm so glad you were able to bring your daughter into her new loving home! She will never have to remember the days where she was without a mother, father and brother who loved her unconditionally!

WOW! What an incredibly heartfelt and incredibly loving post. Thank you for sharing and I love your capture!

Thank you for this. I really needed to hear it. I've been thinking about our recent decision to adopt child #2 & find myself wondering if I would love another child as much as I love our son. It's funny how you have similar feelings whether you birthed your firstborn or adopted them. We pour so much love into our son, that sometimes I worry whether I will feel the same about the next child..or worry that our son might not feel as loved after we adopt again. Your post put me more at ease. Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

SUch a beautiful post and image to go with it. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing this today...it meant so much to me. xo

This is such a beautiful post Casey.....I know I have had a lot of the same thoughts...and it sounds as though most of us that have adopted have all had similar feelings. You worry and you wonder and the minute you see that beautiful child all of those thoughts and worries leave your mind. So amazing......

Have a wonderful weekend Casey~

xoxo,

Lisa

BEAUTIFUL. I don't know what else to say other than that. You captured so many of the feeling and thoughts that I have had. I have always wished that I could express my thoughts and feeling into words but I am just not good at it. Thank you for doing it for me!

Oh how I know the feeling you are describing... I have been in both spots and am about to go through it all again. We are thinking we will travel in August to get our precious ShayleeJoy... she will be three by the time we get there. I have had moments of dread thinking of her going through the big grief process but know God will help us through it all. I loved reading your beautiful post and your image is breathtaking!!! :)

Beautiful words. They touched me.

Thanks for stopping at my blog, I am a new follower of your blog.

Since I haven't experienced this firsthand, I can only try to imagine how you felt during the whole process. It is so wonderful to see the love radiating from you, your son, and your daughter!

Such a wonderful post and so well said. The b/w photo is beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

-- kelly :-)

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)