I find myself these days in a complete fog. Maybe it has something to do with lack of sleep but even in the night I have to remind myself that this is real. When I pass a mirror now my glance stops and I am staring at the image before me...I am holding my daughter in my arms and we smile at each other and share a giggle or a kiss or just a moment. This change in our home is real. This sudden movement in our life is real. We really did travel to China and bring home our daughter. It really did happen. I still pinch myself to reassure me that this is not a dream anymore.
Walking through my days I live in the glow of being a new mom again. I proudly share my daughter and our story with anyone who will ask. I feel as though this has always been and there has never been a lapse in our togetherness. People have asked how long we have been a family and I find the words that form in my mouth are, "forever" when in fact it's only been 172 days. Just days. But it seems like life was never without her here. It's the most amazing experience and one I'm always amazed at when I think about where we started.
Many years ago when we first began our adoption process I asked myself this question....
"Can I love another child as I love the one I gave birth to?" I pondered that question for the 46 months we waited for our daughter. I prayed about it. I questioned myself and my selfish love of my son. Yes I am selfish. I asked myself that question as I was standing in a hotel lobby on the other side of the world watching my daughter being brought to me.
When I think about those hours leading up to that moment when we were handed our daughter, my thoughts were far from calm. Worry filled me as it did when my son was brought into this world. I was scared then of loosing my freedom and now I was worried I wouldn't be able to have enough love in my soul to love another child. I remember questioning my reasons, questioning my heart, questioning my selfishness for wanting another child yet not knowing if I could share my love. Honestly I was a mess...feel free to ask my husband and my son who thankfully just let me go through my uneasiness and yet squeezed my hand to say it's okay. It was already apparent to others yet not me that I was already deep in love. I just needed to feel it. Touch it. Smell it.
To say that those fears and feelings vanished is an understatement. The minute my daughter was placed in my arms my soul collapsed and love poured in like a dam breaking. The world stopped for a brief moment and all I sensed was calm. Then the emotions that absorbed my body were an adrenaline rush like non other. That same feeling as when I saw my son's face for the first time. That same feeling of utter awe. That same sense of God all around me, like His hands were resting on my shoulders telling me it's okay. It was the same experience in each of my children's arrivals into my world. It was breath taking each time. And simply beautiful.
So when I look into my children's eyes today, I see the same thing. God's love. There is no difference in their skin color or the shape of their eyes. I can not differentiate between the colors of their hair or the color of their eyes. Yet I am aware they are unalike in every way. I look at them and know they are my children. They are the love in my soul. They are my children. And I have to remind myself every morning and every night that, yes this is real and my heart swells more.
Enjoy more black and white photos at Lisa's blog....