Our Boy and His Cricket: Nursery

03 July 2008

Thursday, July 03, 2008 -

The little flutter of dreams

We recently received the new PBarn catalog in the mail and lately I've just tossed them in the trash without even a glance. But for some reason I opened it. I also recently opened the nursery again. The hallway was so dark and sad so I opened the door reluctantly one day and have left it open ever since. The brightness and joy seeping out of the doorway is so intoxicating I wanted to go in and sit in the rocking chair and cry. I didn't though and I still just pass by the room and look the other way when passing by.

But when I sat down and looked into that catalog, I felt a little flutter in my belly. I immediately squelched the feeling and told myself to move on, don't get excited, don't start to dream again, leave it and continue to move forward. But moving forward is hard, it takes energy and a state of mind that I'm not sure I have at the moment. I want so badly to walk in that room and pick up where I left off. Hang pictures. Finish the changing table. Wash more clothes and sit and fold them all the while smelling and touching their little threads. I want to open the window and scream from the top of my lungs that I am having a baby!

But I can't.

The more the door stays open I am reminded of what is really happening here. We are waiting for the next chapter in our lives to begin. And while we wait the rest of the world is moving ahead. I feel as though I am standing at the subway in the middle of rush hour watching the thousands of people pass me by, going on with their daily chores. There may be an answer to my riddle here though. Take down the nursery and put it in storage, again.

It has almost been a year since we pulled everything out of storage a second time thinking we would be a completed family by now. In a year we haven't seen much change only the change of our hearts becoming numb with wanting. So I think to myself, would I then be able to move forward if the nursery was just an empty room, void of life. The closet empty of lace and satin. Would I? I don't know. I just don't know.

For now I have disappointment in my heart, that flutter is such a hard feeling to make go away.

When will this end?