09 February 2011

Wednesday, February 09, 2011 - 28 comments

Black and White Wednesday - My daughter and I

You'd never know by looking at these pictures that just a few months ago the smile on that sweet little girls face wasn't as confidant. 

You'd never know that the woman in these shots was worried that she was doing something wrong just a few weeks ago. 

You'd never know any of those things now because everything has changed.  A light switch came on.  An understanding was made.  A loss was forgotten.  A thread of trust was grabbed tighter.

You see it hasn't been the easiest adjustment for us, mother and daughter.  It may seem as though it has been, but it hasn't.  For me I knew what I was getting into when we began our journey of love but what I wasn't prepared for was the total overwhelming crash of love that hit me when this child was placed in my arms, then the total overwhelming crash of denial that came pouring out of her just crushed me.  I was her "caregiver", not her mommy but her daddy was by far the air she breathed.   I had to constantly remind myself that every woman my daughter had ever made contact with, left her or ignored her completely.

Every morning I put on my best mommy face only to have my hugs denied, my kisses rejected and my love trampled.  But I kept going.   There were times when I let my guard down and showed my hurt in front of her only to be reminded by my patient and loving husband that her love will come.   So my job as her "caregiver" continued.   She was the child I'd always dreamed of yet I was not the mother she was ready to have yet.   Her fear is valid....will she leave me one day?

Then one day something clicked.  I can't pinpoint the day,  but something changed in her and it was profound just within the last month or so.  I suddenly became her everything!  I was hugged back with joy.  I was given kisses for the first time that weren't promoted or stolen, they were freely given kisses!  I brought a smile to her face when I walked in a room.  I was called, "my momma".   There's a connection now where there used to be nothing.  It's electrifying between us now and I love it.   She understands that I'm not going anywhere.  She's stuck with me, like it or not!

Last week Lisa's self portrait for Black and White Wednesday inspired me to give it a shot.  I failed miserably!  BUT I had fun experimenting and can't wait to do it again.  The best part of my first attempt was bringing my daughter downstairs after her nap and putting on our "mother" and "daughter" shirts and having a fun hour shooting pictures of each other.   These cute tanks were a gift the month after our dossier went off to China and now too many years later we're sporting them!  


You didn't fail, no way!!! It's hard hard hard to get in front of the camera -- way easier to just take shots of the sweeties, and you did great (and look great).

I could not imagine how hard that would be for you. My mom adopted 3 kids before she had 4 of her own so I have an idea of what it would be like but not fully. Good for you for loving her and you did not fail dont ever think that just know every mother feels that way at some point but that never means you have. because all you need is love! :D

Oh my dear, I totally understand that right now. i totally understand being totally ignored and rejected. It is coming around but I still make her cry when she is going to bed if I try to get a kiss. Makes me sad but I too am trying to manage.

Big hugs,


Bless your big mommy heart! Love does work its magic. :)

I think your selfies with your little girl are precious.

I can see the love when I look at your pictures. I can feel it when I read your words. She is so adorable in these pics. That little smile is really something special!

I'm glad you stuck it out. A lot of people are so self-centered they would have given up and allowed the gulf in the relationship to grow. Now you can reap the rewards of your patience. :)

Love this post..
I love the photos..
You can tell she knows you are her Mama..
I love you my friend..

you did NOT fail.... these are just BEAUTIFUL Kayce.... love them all....but I also love the words that go with them.

I have a similar post started about how far Reagan has come developmentally and emotionally since we first met. Like you, it was hard to swallow the fact that they did not know how to handle us loving on them in the beginning. I remember crying so hard on night two in China. But like you said, when it changes, it is like someone flipped a switch. Reagan was really accepting of us loving on her by the time we left china..... but only about a month or so ago did she actually start to kiss us back. I know the day and the exact time it happened.... it was such a wonderful feeling.

Sorry to go on here, but I can so relate to every word of this post!

Have a wonderful Wednesday~



What a beautiful and transparent post, Kayce! in all ways.
Attachment takes time and I so understand what you've gone through. We just don't give up...I'm so happy she's coming around. She knows who her mommy is!

And your pics are wonderful!!!

Gail :)

Kayce, anyone who has adopted knows exactly what you mean and what you are feeling. Some days it feels like you are babysitting someone elses child, and thats hard to swallow and admit. Alina has only been home for 3.5mos and we are still getting to know each other, but its coming. The understanding gets a little deeper. Helps that she's almost 4 and understands things a little more.

Anyway, you didn't fail. That first picture is absolutely fantastic and should be framed. It symbolic, you are always there, right behind her, sometimes blurred in the shadows, but always there. I love it!

And I love her, she is just the cutest little girl!

These are wonderful, I love the first one ! I so enjoy reading your stories and the truth abou the challenges of creating a family.

These photos just warmed my heart! Yes, mother and daughter.

What a wonderful post! You did not fail I think your portraits are beautiful, electrifying is the perfect word.

When I clicked on your blog in my Google Reader and saw your first photo, it took my breath away. You most certainly did not fail....not one bit. Your photos and words are perfect in every way.



I love this post. Congrats. I am sure that your mother/daughter relationship will continue to get even better as she grows.

Marla @ www.blueskiesphotoblog.com

What a beautiful connection between you that is captured so well in these. I love mother/daughter photos- the relationship is so special.

What a wonderful post and wonderful photos. I'm so happy to hear about this change for you both. It just fills my heart with joy! :)

Bittersweet has become SWEET! I'm just thrilled for you and your sweet girl. It can take days and sometimes years but your amazing momma skills won her over. I'm sure seeing how easy the flow was with her Daddy had to be difficult. Oh, wow....so happy for you.

And I LOVE the 2nd picture so much. I think these images came out beautifully. They show how complete your connection is. How special these will be in years to come.


I'm so thankful to see your post. It is so hard - so very hard - to go thru something like this with your child. I know just how hard it is, and sometimes no rationalisation of their behaviour can stop the very real hurt you feel.

You know how I struggled with Hannah but just this week I had the following from her when I said I was going to leave her for 10 minutes at story time to book her birthday party: 'you know I'll be back ok?' 'yes of course. I know you'll always come back. You've been telling me for years.'

awwwwww...sweet! Hope you can check out my Black & White Wednesday entry too. Thanks!

Those are the most fabulous photos of my two girls!!!! xoxoxo,me

What a lovely post.. and beautiful photos. Your little girl has wonderful smile.

So glad things are rounding the courner. You have a bit longer to get to the magical time when you can say she has been with you as long as she was with them. It is a magical time when ever it happens. Love the pics

This post is beyond beautiful.


You both looks so beautiful! Attachement takes time and you can worry so much about it but at the same time you can't give up. I still worry sometimes about my oldest and she will be 8 soon.

Erika B

Beautiful post. It is amazingly beautiful when that connection forms. I still remember when my little girl hugged ME the first time - when I didn't initiate the hug - she did. It was a glorious feeling.
She didn't push me away - but she never embraced our relationship, until that day, that glorious day.
I'm so happy you've found that love:)

Simply beautiful post, brought tears to my eyes. And the photos. And the shirts. Beautiful.

You appreciate even more that this love is real. very real. sometimes things are worth waiting for. this one, for sure.


God is SO good!! He helped you have the faith and patience needed for Cricket to be ready to love in return. SOOO happy that this has started! Unsolicited hugs and kisses are the very best.

You're her mommy and always will be. And, you're an amazing one! So glad Cricket has come to see it too!!

love you! xo