03 May 2012

Thursday, May 03, 2012 - 8 comments

The search

Wow...I am so thankful and humbled at the amazing support that we've received in the last few days after sharing what we are and have been going through...THANK YOU!  I didn't know what to expect when I decided to share...will we be shamed or lifted in prayer and yes I'm sure there are a few who are appalled that I'm publicly sharing this journey but the amount of prayers being said for us has washed away my fears of the naysayers.  I feel so strongly lead to share this and I have no shame in doing so, especially if it will help one person look at what they are going through with a new vision.   So thank you all for the many prayers, positive thoughts and well wishes.  It truly means more to us than anything else.  Thank you.


As soon as we started this journey we began looking at what our options were for housing in our area.  Instantly we became sick.  We don't live in the cheapest part of the world, in fact we live in one of the most expensive in the nation and yea it pretty much sucks.  Rents are equal to a mortgage here.  Housing is either really small or beyond cleaning your home yourself or you walk away wondering how it's called a home.  Neighborhoods can be full of some unsavory characters or filled with more money than I will ever see in my lifetime.  And landlords can ask for any amount and honestly...they'll fill the house someway, somehow.  And there are people in line waiting with application in hand ready to rent and a landlord can hand pick who they want regardless of anything.  After our initial shock we thought we could do what we could to save our home because seriously this was going to be hard.

Fast forward a season or two and here we are now seriously pounding the pavement trying to find a place to restart our lives.  Last Saturday we drove around to a couple houses and instantly my fear, worry, stress, anger and resentment came at me full force.  The headache I got the moment we got that 90 day letter just got more intense and oh I just wanted to crawl in bed and cry my eyes out until I'd flooded the earth.  The darkness that sometimes covers me began to sink in with it's cold blanket and cloud my mind.  What are we going to do??  Where are we going to live??  WHY is this happening!!!!!??????   WHY, WHY, WHY!!????!!  Instead of letting me go deeper into that thought process, my oh so patient husband said, "lets go to church tonight" and I hesitantly agreed.

Needless to say I am so thankful we did.  Even though the message wasn't necessarily one to uplift my mood, it did make me stop.  Our church is doing a series of frequently asked questions and last week was about the bible and it's authenticity...there's some pretty solid facts out there that it's as real as your heart beating in your chest by the way but that's not what this post is about but you can see the message here.  Back to my headache relieving  moment....As I was listening to all this truth about Jesus and absorbing this heavy topic, I realized that I was back to being my controlling self and was trying so hard to make something happen for my family that was seriously out of my control.  I was starting to make myself sick trying to take care of this horrid situation we are in all by my little ole self.  I am not in charge here.  And when I try my hardest to run the world, I fail, I reminded myself.  When I hesitantly give it to the Lord, I am freed, I boldly told myself.


I cry a lot at church and this day was no exception except this time I didn't wipe away the tears.  I just let each and every one roll down my cheeks.  They dropped to the floor and I had no shame in them.  I listened to the end of the message and the beginning of the worship song starting and sat there and said to the Lord, "IT'S ALL YOUR'S!  I don't want this stress on me.  I want this to be a learning experience for me, for my children and for others, not a stress filled change that may break us!!!  Lord, I give you it all and humbly put it at your feet.  Guide us and I will follow.  No matter what or where you lead us,  I will do it as best as I can with your help.  I will make this easy for my husband and my children as best as I can...with your grace!  Our home is where YOU are with us!"

I walked out of there feeling renewed.
My five day headache gone.
A new thought filling my mind...we are going to be okay wherever we settle and make our home.  We're going to be okay...I'm sure of it.

The next day we woke to a new dawn and the sun shinning down on us.  Of course we checked to see if any new listings were posted, I made a few calls, I checked my email, voicemail, text messages a million times to see if anyone got back to us.  Then we just got in the car and drove away from our reality and went into the redwoods to focus on what we DO have and Who is guiding us.


We basked in the sunshine with the big trees rising to the sky all around us.  We ate a meal together and talked about different things.  We flew a kite for the first time.  We blew our cares into the wind.  We prayed together.  We read Psalms out loud and Psalm 34 being read twice, three times and a few times already this week....and it's starting to sink in.

4 - I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.

8 - Taste and see that the Lord is good; 
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

17 - The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted 
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 - The righteous person may have many troubles, 
    but the Lord delivers him from them all 

It's a new week.  
It's a renewed outlook.  
It's going to be okay...Regardless.
I'm not in control.  
He is.

We will keep getting up each day with a grateful heart.  We will look at every option.  We will continue to put in applications.  We will keep looking for what ever is put in front of us.  We will look past the things we have a hard time with and try to make them okay.  We will not fear.  We will be okay.  That is all I can tell myself.  Over and over and over.   He is in control. 



8 comments:

So daunting! I am so envious of your positive approach and letting go and letting God lead your way. You are such an inspiration! So glad your my friend!

Praying that you keep your peace and know that everything that happens is for a reason. That you for being so honest and sharing I can't imagine how hard this has been.
Take care, Cora
PS Chloe loves the picture of Cricket blowing the dandelion :)

You are sooo right.. let go let god... you know I wear that every single day and I need to live it every single day...
love you to the moon and back.. MUWAHHHH

Praying for you sweet friend. Trusting God who is holding you in the palm of His hand. Loving you. Here for you.

You are in the right place. Trusting Him! You are a testimony to all of us!

Praying..... xoxo

You have chosen the best path to take in this time of loss/change. It makes me think of the scripture, "you will have perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on the Lord." Have you heard the song by Carri Underwood, This is my temporary home? Your story reminded me of it and what is really important: our heart towards God and people. Those really are the most important things to our Heavenly Father. I believe He has some wonderful provision for you all! Blessings

Thinking and praying for you all. Yes no matter what, you will all be ok. Stick together and look for peace.

Kayce,

I have been slow in reading blogs recently and just read your post here. I am sorry for the pain you and your family are going through, however, having gone through this as a child when my mom packed us all up and left our cherished items, home, etc to move across the nation, I could never have imagined what God had planned in that heartbreaking experience. It is in these times (as it sounds like you are already finding) that God shows you what truly is important and what truly is worth living for. Last week our pastor spoke on money and he had a great visual. He had huge, long white rope and it had a red tip on the end of it. He said, so often we put all our time, money, thoughts on this tiny slice of life and forget the Eternity that is ahead in the Kingdom of God. 2 weeks ago we had our cable shut off due to not paying our bill and at first I thought, "oh my gosh, our cable, internet, phone is all off!" One day into the shut off I had played Candyland with Lauren, we sat at a quiet dinner table and Lauren showed me all this amazing sign language that she has learened at preschool that I had no idea about, and it quickly settled in that having our sevices shut off was a clear blessing. God spoke to me very vividly and made me aware of what I think is important and what I can't live without is sometimes keeping me from truly living!

I have a heavy heart for you because I can imagine the pain you are going through, however, in some ways, I am excited to hear all about how God shows you what true living is all about. God bless you Kayce. I hope I didn't say anything here that upsets you, sometimes writing things out isn't the same as if I were saying them to you. If you geta chance, pick up the book by Katie Davis "Kisses from Katie". She was inspiring to me in regard to living the life God intends for us...love ya! God Bless you and your famaily!!!
~Mardi

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