I was reminded many times the last few days that this is just a season in our lives. One of growing independence from you and one of holding on for dear life for me. You see you are stepping further and further out into your future and learning just how far the world you live in can go. I on the other hand am holding on to this little bit of string left in my hand. That string used to be a huge bunch that I had a hard time holding in one hand, like a very large ball of tangled fishing line and slowly I've let out more and more for you to hold and now all that's left is the last little bit that I can just hold onto with my finger tips. I remember only letting you walk a foot in front of me at all times and today you are literally hours and hours away from me on a ski trip with all your friends...and I can't see you at all. That string has really gone a long way out, like a fish pulling it further away from the reel.
For you, the ball is now becoming large enough for you to actually look at it and wonder what you should do with it...should you try to untangle it? Should you pass it back to me? Should you just throw it as far as you can and see if you can find it and figure it out later? Well my dear, that is the part of the season you are in...figuring things out...real things. Yes your life is still so small you think. You are yet still a boy but yet you are not. You ask for things you may or may not be ready to tackle. You step out in the world and are looked at with contempt and compassion at the same time. You want so badly to be the adult you will soon be but it's slightly scary. Hold on to that ball of string tight...don't throw it yet because you see I am still holding on to the very end. The end that keeps you focused. Keeps you safe. Keeps you grounded.
Hold on....for just a little bit longer.
You may not like the fact that I am still holding on but trust me you will be glad I did someday. You may not like my rules but someday you'll look back and say, "oh now I get it!!". You may not like me sometimes but someday you'll come to understand what it feels like to love something so fiercely you would do anything to see it grow and flourish. You may wish you could move on out of the house and begin your own life but trust me you'll be back and my door will always and forever be open. Always and forever. Always. And. Forever.
For now I will hold that last bit of string that attaches us as mother and son until I know you will float away with confidence, a solid faith and strength to get you through making a tough choice. THIS season we are walking through has truly been special and yes, challenging but very special. And although we have major disagreements now it is only a short period in our lives that we must butt heads before we will see eye to eye. And then we can laugh at all the moments like we had this week. Next week is a new week! We will make it though....one step at a time.
Love you more than all the fish in the sea!
P.S. - Secretly I will always hold that last piece of string in my heart forever and ever.