06 June 2010

Sunday, June 06, 2010 - , 15 comments


Yesterday while at my nephews baseball game I spotted my ex and his family across the field and I made my way over to say hi.  Along the way I ran into a friend and chatted with her for a few minutes and then said I was on my way to say hi to my son's dad...."your ex?" was her response.  My retort was a cheerful "yes" and the look on her face was one I've seen many a time, one of confused ponder.  After our goodbyes, I made my way to join his family where they sat on a blanket watching their nephew play against mine, I sat and joined them and together we enjoyed the inning talking and playing with the cricket.   After I hugged my ex's wife and scooped up my baby girl I ran into my friend again who immediately said to me, "WOW! How do you do that!?"

You see, my ex and I never wanted to be those parents who only spoke to each other through a lawyer or through our kids.  I remember sitting in parenting classes for divorcing families and I saw him across the room as the teacher was explaining the types of split families....5 being parents who are always in court or have to communicate with a mediator or lawyer and 1 being the parents who vacation together.  We both put up 2 fingers and gave an awkward smile,  two being the parents who can still talk and even enjoy an occasional dinner or holidays together.

You may wonder why just as my friend did.  Well there is just one reason and it's a pretty big one.

Our son.

He didn't ask for us to split apart and move in separate directions in our lives.  He didn't orchestrate our falling apart.  He didn't and still doesn't deserve to be put in the middle of anything that is between his dad and I.  Now don't get me wrong, we are FAR from perfect and yes sometimes we find ourselves looking at the number 4 on the type of family list,  couples who never speak and always say horrible things about each other.

But we don't.
We can't.
We wont.

Because again, we don't hurt each other, we only hurt Big J.  We move past our issues with each other with grace and dignity, I think.  At least I hope we do.  It is hard work though on both of our parts and no we are not the best of friends, but we are friendly.

Our lives will mingle and enter-twine forever and that can't and wont change.  We were each at the others weddings.  I was at the hospital the day after he and his wife had their son.  We've done holidays together.  We do birthdays together.  And my ex and his wife were here when we brought the cricket home.  And someday in the future we will be at our sons wedding and there when he welcomes his own children into our world.

My ex is a part of my family and so is his wife and their son. I wouldn't change that.   Our love today is much different than it was 20 years ago and that makes me happy, we've both found our true loves and know that what we had was nothing compared to what we have now.  The best part is I get to gaze every day upon that love we once shared... our son.

And for that I am grateful.


If only there were more parents like you two in the world (or should I say you four). Big J is one lucky ducky.

KyLee's Dad and I are REALLY good friends.. and will ALWAYS be.. we are here for her and noone else..
His wife found it really weird and still does but she had to except it or that was it.. if we lived closer I am sure we would do the same..
I dont' see the sense in arguing with someone .. it only hurts other people.
Love it..
Love you all..

We've been parenting like that for 25 years - my hubby's ex-wife and her husband were one of our character references for the adoption. We share all kids (five total). My Hubby's ex-wife's husband's daughter (her step) asked us to be in her wedding. That's hard to explain!
Congratulations! You are not dysfunctional - you are perfect, loving family!

Alyzabeth's Mommy

This is exactly how it should be. I applaud you for being so wise and gracious.

I hear ya!

My parents divorced when I was six years old and I remember how painful it was to hear them constantly say bad things about one another. I swore the I'd never do that to my kids. It was really sad getting divorced but since we had a child together it was really important to me that we not fight constantly (or ever). I had to absolve him of his responsibility to pay child support to ensure peace between us and my family thought I was crazy to do that but I did it and believe it was more valuable than the $ would have been. 22 years later, our son is a much happier person because his parents worked out their problems and kept him out of the middle of it.

Our Blog: Double Happiness!

Beautiful post. I wish more divorced families could be like you. As I teacher I see all the ranges from 1-5.

Oh how I wished my parents could've done that....you inspire the rest of us. Thanks

Oh...another reason why I like you so much Kayce!!! beautiful post, you are a mature, rational person who understands the importance of raising a child to be the best person they can be!

And like you, I'm good friends with my ex and his wife and family...they actually wrote one of our references for both adoptions!


I have to say, I read this post, then left without commenting because I'm so not there yet. I do speak to my ex and his wife, and we're okay. But it's my husband's ex that I want nothing to do with. So I'll have to keep reading your post to encourage me to do the right thing. :)

I wish more people could get "it", you were so right when you said the only person that would get hurt by a harmful relationship is "J". I hate to hear how couples use their children as pawns in a nasty divorce/ custody battle, very sad.
My parents divorced and they have kept it friendly, I have appreciated it, especially now they share two Grandchildren".
J is so lucky to have such a great Mom...

You are so wise and amazing!!! And I am so, so happy for all of you!!

Happy Summer Kayce!!!

I have to go back and look at pictures of your daughter!

Well said! Your son is one lucky guy to have parents who thought of him through divorce. Wise and thoughtful parents makes a great kid.


Just goes to show you are both good parents that you put the child first and that is what it is all about... I think it is great that you can still be 'friends' for the sake of the one person that will always been part of both of you... what a nicer world it would be if everyone could act like this...

Your son is very blessed. My parents were divorced and it was very difficult and not like the situation you have described with your ex. No divorce is easy, but if there ever was a right way to divorce, I think this would be it. Kudos to you both for having your priorities in order and parenting selflessly, even when it's uncomfortable. God bless!