12 April 2010

Monday, April 12, 2010 - , 24 comments

Connection of life

As we prepare for our daughters first birthday this weekend,  I find myself in constant thought of her mother, the woman who gave her life.  My days lately have been full of thoughts like, "what is she doing today?" or "has she moved on in her grief, her loss?".  I stop and wonder if she is thinking the same things.  I sit and realize that 365 days ago, she was heavy with child, in deep anticipation.  Was she excited or nervous or even scared?  Then there are my prayers which are filled with her.  I pray for her safety.  I pray for her health, mostly her mental health.  I pray for her to be surrounded by support.  I pray for her strength.  I pray for her healing.  I pray for her child.

I just pray for her.
A lot.
I think about her.
A lot.

It's hard for me not to though because I can't walk away from the fact that I have her child in my arms. But I'm also left with the knowledge that a physical piece of herself was left on my daughters body.  A piece so intimate that when I first saw that bandage I gasped audibly.  Upon removing those many layers of clothing on that cold January afternoon we discovered that our cricket was wearing a bandage over her belly button.  At first we thought she had an injury but soon realized the bandage held more than just our daughters sweet belly button.

So much more.

That bandage held the bond between mother and child.    The single piece of human flesh that feeds one and connects two for nine months.  The remaining piece of her umbilical cord.  I held it in my shaking hands.  I cried at the thought of what it was and that just a few months prior it had connected my daughter with the woman who carried her in her womb.  I looked at it in awe.  This is what nurtured my daughter.  Her daughter.  Her daughter.  My daughter.  Mine.

This instantly became a treasure to me.  It held so much for me, knowing that it could have very well been cut by the woman herself who carried my child.  The only physical link my daughter may ever have of the woman who held her first.  And a connection for me to a woman who I hold so dear in my heart.  A woman who I may never meet but will think about as though she is my own sister on a daily basis.  How can I not think of this woman, I stare into her eyes every day.  Her beautiful, beautiful eyes.  How can I forget her?  How?  I never will.  Never.

As I stare into those eyes, those soulful eyes, I will start the day of my daughters birth with a prayer for her, her mother.  This woman I know so intimately yet have never met.  I will talk about her to her daughter and tell her how beautiful she is and what she gave me is immeasurable.  What she gave my daughter is immeasurable.  She gave her life.  She gave her a chance.  And God gave her to me.

I pray you are safe dear one.  These days leading up to the birth that changed your life must be full of sorrow and wonder.  I hope you know the celebration of your daughters life will always include you.  Always.  And I pray you know in your soul that your daughter is SO loved and will never forget you.  Ever.  May God Bless you and be with you always.  


Oh Kayce, this is so beautiful.

Oh my gosh Kayce! I'm shaking reading that! How amazing! Happy early birthday to your little Cricket!

Having a child with a "birth mom" is a unique, precious...at times, painful reality. I'm in constant awe and wonderment with regards to Kailahni's birth mom. In my opinion, parenting a child whom I did not give birth to carries a unique sense of privilege.

It's a good thing that you will keep this woman's gift of love alive in Jennifer's heart.

I don't think there has been a day go by in my daughter's lives that I haven't thought of their birth Mom(every morning I look into their beautiful eyes).
To have such a love for someone you have never met but share so much. It is my privledge to Mother their daughter, our daughters, they will always honour and love her..

I look at my children and think about their birth parents too. I wonder where Gwen got her pretty earlobes. From her mother or father? I think about the things I love most about Maddy and wonder if her bio siblings back in China are anything like her. I wonder about their personality quirks and smile and just KNOW that there's a man or woman in China who also cocks his or her head to the side every time they watch television. It makes me smile but it also makes my heart ache because I know there's no way they've gotten over losing these girls. I wish they could know they are safe and happy and loved and I think that's why I continue to keep my blog public. Just in case.

Our Blog: Double Happiness!

Beautiful tribute. I share a lot of those sentiments as well. Birthday was difficult leading up to the day but the day was joyous. Still, her birthmother never left my thoughts.

Keep smilin!

Beautiful, beautiful post!

You have quite a gift with words!

Beautiful post. How special to have that piece of her heritage.

And happy birthday to the little cricket!! We just celebrated Isaac's 3rd birthday on April 10th. So much fun!!!

wow. i'm just speechless... beautiful.

Jennifer is soooo pretty...
Have a great weekend..
Can't wait to see photos..
Wish I lived closer..

What a sweet post! Happy birthday to your adorable little girl!

you said what I have yet to, in three years, put into words. My soul felt every word you wrote and it was as if I wrote it myself. It is something I have struggled with. i want so much to talk to her mother- to tell her how brave she was and how much her daughter is loved. I want to give her peace that she did what was best for mia- that mia is in a loving home and will have a wonderful future. I tried on mia's second birthday to get a poster hung in her little town showing mia in her new life, but our contact said it was not a good idea. I tried again on her 3rd bday and again, not a good idea. I want so badly to let her know-- give her peace that mia is loved- but i guess i will have to just belive that God will give her the peace.

Hugs and thank you so much for your words.


Oh my....Kayce...there's NOTHING like pure, raw emotion in writing. You seem to have the market cornered on it. I remember the first post I read of yours was about the struggles with Cricket not long after returning with her to the States (post was titled "Grieving is hard). You poured your heart out in that one as well. You have such feeling...such depth. I consider myself doubly blessed to have met you. Happy Birthday, Cricket!

Oh my-it was stil there? wow!!! I did think that would stay on that long but its really neat to think about it! I know all your feelings, because they are mine also! Hugs my friend and I cant wait to see those happy birthday pics!

Oh how lovely! You visited me from UBP and I am returning the favor.

Happy "Birth"day to you three sweet ladies.

Such eloquence and pure love....

You always put into words exactly what you feel so well.

Love this post

Your words are truly beautiful! Your Cricket is just as beautiful!

Visiting from the UBP. Nice to meet you! I love your pictures, and it's nice to find another blogger with a teenage boy! :)

....simply beautiful my darling daughter...xoxo,me

Happy birthday to your adorable little girl!
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That was remarkable. The words, the emotions, the truth, all of it. Remarkable.

U R so sweet Kayce. Love u lots.


Oh do I ever understand this post. I feel and wonder the same things. Beautifully written.

I am speechless. I could really feel your emotions.