17 July 2007

Tuesday, July 17, 2007 - 7 comments

When you have to but you don't want to

Having to be with someone because you HAVE to is really hard. A true test of self.

That is how it is with my step-daughter.

She can't stand me. Not one of those step parent/child things. But she does not like the person I am and has said on many occasion that I am not a person who she would want as a friend. In fact she said recently that she would avoid me. OUCH! I know I know, you are thinking, well you are her step-mom and she is a teenager, but it's not just that, it's more.

We are so much alike, yet as far opposite as black and white. We have different values and morals in life. I can admit that I do not believe in some of the morals her mother has taught her and I know that I try to show her different paths, but it never quite gets past the first step.

Part of our stumbling block is her mom. She has NO respect for my husband, let alone me. We are referred to as Mike and Kayce, not dad and Kayce. We are a place to go have fun and do what you are not allowed to do her moms house. We are here only when her mom needs a break and would like one less kid around. We are just here, but not cared about. It is one of the saddest things I've experienced in my life and my heart breaks for my husband. He never signed up for this. He is one of the most incredible fathers any child could ask for, but his own will not admit that.

In the last year I have had to really take a step back from trying to be a friend, step-mom, or an acquaintance. My step-daughter has said she would prefer it that way, it makes her life less stressful. I am not to judge. I am not to educate. I am not to be anything more than a ride when needed, the bank when requested or the maid when demanded.

I know in my heart that someday this will change, it has to. I know full well what it's like to be a step child and to have a step-mom and it was hard at first, but then it becomes easy, nice and just right. In the mean time I know I have to, but I don't want to. She knows she has to, but she doesn't want to either. So while we wait for our worlds to finally connect I will continue to love her although it hurts to not be loved back. I will keep my mouth shut and bite my tongue when the urge arises. And I will continue to practice patience, because God can guide me though this.

Photo courtesy of:
  • Sarah Bain Gallery

    You are a strong women Kayce. Sometimes only time will heal. You are doing all you can and although I've never met you in person, I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be around you. Hang in there, sending a big hug your way.

    Oh, gosh...

    That has got to be so hard. I hope the time will come soon where you both find that common ground that allows your relationship to bloom into something beautiful.

    Okay, I feel a social worker moment coming on. I can't imagine the tough place you find yourself in. But I also can't imagine a teenager feeling entitled to talk to you that way. Does she show you any respect in your own home? How does this impact Jake? He seems like an intutitive and sensitive young man. Especially when it comes to his mom! My heart hurts for you and your familiy. You have all been manipulated and held emotional hostages in hopes of a better relationship that she may or may not surrender. It may be time to reevaluate the negative impact she has on your home and then make some painful choices.

    That is the social worker side. The long ago friend side says have a glass of wine, smoke a cigarette and think of a happy place. Focus on the great guy you are raising and let him be your light. Take care.

    I am a step-mother also. It's the toughest role to take on ever. Much more difficult than raising my own children.
    I will tell you that I did not tolerate the negative and hateful behavior. I shut her out. I was polite and cordial and met all of her needs. But I no longer bought anything for her (since she would refuse to wear it and wad it up on the floor) and I never did anything special for her anymore.
    Well, that lasted about 3 months and she came to me and apologized for being a b****. That was her word, not mine. I told her that she was here to see her father and her and I having a relationship was not a requirement for either of us. She burst into tears and told me she wanted to try.
    So....things are much better now. I'm not saying it's what you should do, but it worked for me.
    I'll be thinking of you. It's really hard.

    I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. It will happen. I ama step daughter and for many years resented my step mom. I blamed her for my parents break-up becuase it was easier to blame her than to acknowledge that both my parents made a mistake. We are extremely close now and having a wonderful relationship. She has been there for me throughout the wait and is just as anxious to meet our little one as we are. Hang in there, it will get better. Promise :)

    I have a similar story to Kim's, being an impossible step-daughter through my teens but a good friend now!! I eventually figured out that she made my Dad really happy and that my Mom was feeding the bad relationship because of her own insecurities. I can only hope that as your SD grows so will your relationship.

    Wow. What an honest, difficult post. I know I'm really late to this but I totally lost track of your blog (not sure when that happened) and saw you comment on another, and was glad to find my way back.

    I will pray for both of you, and for Mike as well. It sounds like a tough situation, but hopefully you all will move closer to one another as she matures.