25 March 2007

Sunday, March 25, 2007 - 7 comments

To be fresh and naive again.

Do you remember when your adoption process started?? Do you remember the excitement in your belly, your mind, your body? Oh those feelings were delicious! I went crazy with the whole thing, I became obsessed! Jenny has more clothes than I know what to do with, things I've purchased, or boxes and boxes given to me. She has her first tea set, and of course her first San Francisco Giants hat! We opened ourselves from the packaging to become sponges, wanting to learn EVERYTHING we could about China. I now have a bookshelf full of books from educational to novels all about China. When we talked about our adoption, it was with such joy and naivety that we couldn't help but feel pregnant just to prove ourselves.

Last night Jacob and I watched Mission Impossible 3 and I had totally forgotten that we saw that movie in the theaters soon after we started the adoption process. It hit me last night when the movie went to Shanghai, those feelings of joy crept back in. In the theater I just about screamed to Mike and Jacob "HEY!! We get to go there!!!!!!" They almost died, but were also caught up in the moment of being related to what was happening on the big screen.

I remember forgetting the movie all together and taking in the scenery of China, wondering if my daughter was born yet or in the orphanage waiting for me to come hold her, kiss her and carry her away. I kept talking through the rest of the movie about our adoption, someone behind me told me to shut up. But I didn't care! I was going to have a baby.

That seemed so long ago. My joy and naivety is gone. I have moments when I comes back, and every time it does, it sticks. I don't talk about the adoption too much anymore. I've stopped buying things, okay Stephanie I know, I did buy those incredible shoes a few weeks ago. I've stopped educating myself because I think I know it all now, if I could speak Chinese I'd be Chinese. I do read all of your blogs and LONG to post pictures of my daughter or take you on our journey to China. I also share in the feelings you have about not having our daughters/sons home, that reminds me I'm SO NOT alone in my feelings. That gives me peace. But I have stopped being fresh and naive.

This process is hell. It is NOT for the week minded. You must dig deep to find your faith. You MUST learn patience. And to be honest, for those of you who will be first time parents, patience is the NUMBER ONE thing needed in being a parent. So I guess this wait is like going to school to learn that and only that. But what is hard is trying to get out of the mud I've gotten myself into. I'm so thankful for my close friends who have kept ropes on me to keep me from going under and not giving up. Jennifer is there somewhere waiting to come home. Slowly I will get out of the mud and regain those feelings of joy, freshness and once again be so naive that it is addicting.

Thank you Kristine at
  • Butterfly Kisses and 100 Wishes
  • for her post today, "We did it!". It was refreshing to read and inspiring. The joy is back for the moment, I hope it lasts!

    Okay okay Stephanie...I know I bought these too!!!


    I have experienced these same up's and down's. It can be so frustrating. The long wait time allows time for doubt to creep in from time to time. It's good to read your post and know if it's happening to you too, then maybe I am still on the right path. This is such a FAITH lesson!

    Oh, how I can relate. I hang onto the fact that the joy isn't dead...it's just resting quietly for a while.

    When we are closer yet, I have no doubt about that spark of excitment turning into fireworks.

    I am glad that you found it helpfull. It was a difficult post to write in many ways but I had to write it for Isabel and for us. I read your blog all the time because I too, can relate to what you are going through. Happy days ahead!!!!

    I could have written most of this! Yeah, the honeymoon is over, isn't it? Sometimes it just feels like it will never happen...

    Soooo true so true... My hope for a daughter is never dead...the joy and excitement of it all is just "resting" for right now. They day the referral comes... well...let's just say that the WORLD will know my joy! :)

    I hear ya! The newness and the excitement has worn off. Just a tired feeling of waiting.

    It will evolve and become excitement again whenever it is our turn. Until then, this post reminds me that I am not alone.

    Thanks for writing it.

    Keep smilin!

    I'm a big believer in keeping that joy alive. Keeping the focus on it, the pleasure from it. It draws your desire to you (and makes you happy). At least that's what I believe.