03 July 2008

Thursday, July 03, 2008 - ,,, 10 comments

The little flutter of dreams


We recently received the new PBarn catalog in the mail and lately I've just tossed them in the trash without even a glance. But for some reason I opened it. I also recently opened the nursery again. The hallway was so dark and sad so I opened the door reluctantly one day and have left it open ever since. The brightness and joy seeping out of the doorway is so intoxicating I wanted to go in and sit in the rocking chair and cry. I didn't though and I still just pass by the room and look the other way when passing by.

But when I sat down and looked into that catalog, I felt a little flutter in my belly. I immediately squelched the feeling and told myself to move on, don't get excited, don't start to dream again, leave it and continue to move forward. But moving forward is hard, it takes energy and a state of mind that I'm not sure I have at the moment. I want so badly to walk in that room and pick up where I left off. Hang pictures. Finish the changing table. Wash more clothes and sit and fold them all the while smelling and touching their little threads. I want to open the window and scream from the top of my lungs that I am having a baby!

But I can't.

The more the door stays open I am reminded of what is really happening here. We are waiting for the next chapter in our lives to begin. And while we wait the rest of the world is moving ahead. I feel as though I am standing at the subway in the middle of rush hour watching the thousands of people pass me by, going on with their daily chores. There may be an answer to my riddle here though. Take down the nursery and put it in storage, again. It has almost been a year since we pulled everything out of storage a second time thinking we would be a completed family by now. In a year we haven't seen much change only the change of our hearts becoming numb with wanting. So I think to myself, would I then be able to move forward if the nursery was just an empty room, void of life. The closet empty of lace and satin. Would I? I don't know. I just don't know.

For now I have disappointment in my heart, that flutter is such a hard feeling to make go away.

When will this end?

10 comments:

I know how you feel. With the sad referral number this month I'm feeling further away not closer. With my June '06 LID I'm thinking I may actually hit the 4 yr mark.
:(

I haven't even started my nursery yet for that very reason. But if your's is up... I'd leave it. Just shut the door if it gets too hard. That's a lot of work to keep dismantling it.

Keep the faith...to steal your motto. LOL!

This is the hardest part. I put my heart on hold too and started getting very snappy at well meaning people who would ask, "Why haven't you heard anything yet?" But don't give up hope! I agree with "special K"...shut the door if it gets too hard. The only baby thing we had until the referral was a stroller. No nursery..nothing. Couldn't do it. It's ok to feel what you feel. I think you have to do that to get through this. And you will get through it because you're a strong person with a lot of encouraging bloggers behind you!

Oh Kayce. Don't take it down. You really are getting closer(even though it doesn't feel like it). This is just so hard. I'm sorry. I wish I lived down the street so I could come over and cheer you up. Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.


We did end up taking some stuff down, but mostly we just keep the door shut and throw crap in there once in awhile. I don't even look, I just open the door and throw, while looking the other way! I think we have a couple more years to go(at least) and I know there will come a point where I just can't stand looking at it anymore. I'm not quite there yet.

We are gonna make it...hard as it is..we will get there.

Keep smilin!

Hang in there... it will be happening in His time. Remember your saying to "keep the faith".

{{{HUGS}}}
Lisa

I can't believe your daughter has TWO coats with fuzzy furry trim! I am jealous. I am goin shoppin today. I know I live in the desert, but she needs one of those cute coats. HUGS!

Terri(daisybox)

It is a hard wait to say the least. We went from a one year wait to a 7 year wait. It's just ridiculous.

Oh my gosh,I hear what you are saying.

Chin up my friend.

I love that crib! where is it from?

Lea
xo

I guess the feeling numb is a way of protecting yourself, and I imagine that celebrations and holidays just pile it on even more. I don't know what it is to wait this long - but I do know the joy at the other side. I know that joy will be yours. Hang on in there - don't empty her room unless you are redecorating for her! All you'll have if you do is an empty room and I suspect that will hurt more.

You have disappointment in your heart - but you have a flutter there too. And that flutter is the love for your daughter which refuses to lie down under the pain of the wait. That love refuses to go away. And the day you see her face for the first time, that love will burst from your heart and fill your world. Hold onto your hope and hold on to the dream.

Hugs...that's all, just hugs and understanding.

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