26 April 2007

Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 6 comments

Oh the guilt

I'm not normally one to give into the media, but last nights American Idol was powerful yet strange. During the airing I mostly sat there half weeping half in awe. Then about half way through I was overwhelmed with horrible guilt.

Guilt that makes your stomach hurt.

As I sat on my chaise I suddenly felt like I was sitting in a warehouse with warmth and light all around. This HUGE space for only three people. My home was this place that seemed like a tomb to me. My thoughts went back and forth from why did I buy that car, did I really need to get that extra bottle of wine at the store, what were we thinking when we bought that HUGE TV. We don't need any of these things. Then the unthinkable happened, why are we adopting. What in God's name am I thinking. What a selfish BITCH I am to only want more more more!!!!

With every tear stained face that came across the screen, I became more and more heartbroken. I had thoughts of emptying our life savings today and sending the money to Africa and not tell my husband. I wanted to hold my son and talk about what we can do at school and make it the biggest fund raising event in history. I wanted to call our adoption agency in quit, ask for the money back so I could give it to someone who needed it TODAY! I wanted to fly to Africa and take as many children home to my tomb. I wanted to scream!

I did scream a few times at the people in our own country who were uneducated, unhealthy and in bad situations. The American situation is NOTHING! Yes it is horrible what is happening in our own country, but there is sooooo much that is offered to help. You just have to ask. Yes we do put a lot out there for other countries, but we also have so much for our own people. The unfortunate thing is that the American people are proud folk. We will struggle without asking for much, when we do ask for something, it's not always shelter or food. It's material possessions. That is what our kids want. The next best video game. The bigger bike. The coolest shoes available. How about asking for a pencil and pad of paper to practice writing. What about a blanket to keep you warm at night. What about some pots and pans and what ever food is handed to you so you can eat tonight even though you don't like spaghetti.

I'm sure many of you may be saying, "what about the Katrina victims?". Now that issue is wrong!!! What I've said above DOES NOT go towards what is happening in Louisiana. I actually don't know what to think about that situation. In our household, we have given sooooo much to the efforts down there. Clothes, food, money. But I wonder. Did they get it?? Did the money pay for the wages of the American Red Cross or go to the people who I wanted to have it?? Where those clothes given to someone else. Was all that food I gave to a man that said he was taking items to LA, actually get there?

All I know is that I live in pure heaven while there is a country that is slowly being exterminated. I ask myself, what can I give up? I don't know. I don't know. I'm sure when I pick Jake up today (he was at his dads last night) he will have the answer. He can not stand to see things like what was on TV last night. It breaks his heart. Maybe another coin drive at school? The last one for Katrina he raised almost $3000. But then where does that money go. I can't give to the American Red Cross anymore, I don't trust them. Maybe I could send it to Oprah. She'd definitely get money to the people, right?

I know one thing I will continue to do is pray. I will also search deep inside to figure out how to make my situation less heavenly so the guilt will lessen, but what is that. I am a spoiled bitch and I am overcome with horrible guilt.


It is terribly, terribly sad to see the desperation and what people are lacking and faced with. I did not watch it all as I knew I would feel exactly like that. I do what I can and I have come to realize that I can only control my life and what I do with it. I chose to help.

Keep smilin!

It is overwhelming the need in this world. I too, feel this way and the helplessness of it at times. I worked in India for 3 months and I will never forget the culture shock I had upon arriving home. I was awestruck by how MUCH we have in the U.S.

Allow this guilt to propel you to act positively, not self abuse. You are an awesome person. How could your adopting the daughter who was created for you, be selfish? Not in the least.

One statement I love is by Keith Green:

"Do your best, pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest."

You have been blessed with the opportunity to adopt, and you will soon be tasked with raising and encouraging your daughter to become a responsible, kind and loving person. When you raise your daughter with the outlook you have...her peers and her generation will be blessed and fortunate by having her in it.

I commend you for seeing. I was just having a discussion the other night with Stefanie at Never Too Many about this. The difference between just being a citizen of the US and being also a citizen of the world. SEEING what is going on out there. SEEING outside of our own borders. AND ACTING through adoption and other means of support.

I know how you feel. After returning from russia, I landed in New York city, and could not even walk into a store there. It was the weirdest, but after being there, and seeing the difference in our country and theirs, I was in some kind of shock. I felt that I lived in an extremely selfish society after that, and well, I do, but the good thing is, people like you who are compelled to do something, will, and you can start by adopting your daughter, that, to me is not selfish at all! Just continue to pray!

Instead of beating yourself up, I would think about how unbelievably lucky we are as women to live in the conditions that we do. Be thankful, then work towards change that speaks to you. Adopting from China is a postive change.
I totally agree that change is required everywhere and how do you pick where to help? My answer is to just follow mt heart, and it's calling me to China.
Be thankful and happy , always be thankful. But it doesn't serve the world to hate yourself for the gifts and grace you have.
sorry if this is too preachy.
But just look at Oprah, does she hate herself for all the riches she has? No she loves it and is thankful, and from there she makes a difference.
Sorry this does sound way moer preachy than I intended.